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|  Wow, it has been months since I was last here. I feel impelled to apologize, but this blog site is for my own well-being anyhow. I don't post for others, but to vent. Onto my rant:
I loathe human beings and am ashamed to say I'm part of the species. Just because I'm a nonconformist and I choose to be nice to those I feel need it more than others, why must they always take it the wrong way. I never learn my listen. I know better than to open up to anybody or show the real me. These people have no idea the mental chaos they put me through. I'm finally stable enough to suppress my violent thoughts and put a little show for everyone to make them happy. I don't cry, but my 2 alter egos are at war once again and of course, my darker side dominates. My hikari wants to burst into tears as she knows we're to lose a friend. As for my Yami, she sarcastically sympathizes my hikari and I while firing a crossbow repeatedly at my mind's mental image of said mortal. I've had a hard time falling asleep without trying to strangle my pillows. All these bloody scenes floating in my head and I can't control them. Ican't make them stop. Like a cat, I'm nice to those who pet me from a distance, when a mortal tries to reach out and break that invisible barrier, I'll high-tail it with a harden heart. No more mortals. I have enough within my clan. From here on forward, my only reason for interacting with the foolish creatures will be to carry out my bidding. I hate to admit but my dormant other me's have been abruptly awakened and it's interfering with my reality self. -_- idiotic creatures triggering my wrath don't know what they are messing with... 
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| Ok this post is yet another one of my selfish/self-centered rants in which I vent about how my life sucks. To eliminate any ill thoughts towards me that my words may evoke, I'm aware that there are people who are suffering far worse than I, but simply because I will never attain the bottom of the chain (for there is no end), I'm banned from venting? I am not blind to the world around me. I just have a lot on my plate and I need to release. I don't verbalize my emotions and thoughts well so my last resort is here. My compilation of all my exploding times. We shall begin. Ever since second semester (of senior year mind you) started, life has just taken of like a flying dragon and I'm struggling to cling on. Usually with planning, I can keep everything on time and in order. I can develop methods for different situations in order to succeed/pass or overcome them. Now I'm just overwhelmed. College choices, scholarships, insane sadist teacher(s), home life, and of course the one that tops the cake: friends. I think I have a limited amount of those in comparison to the average teenager. I consider majority of the people I associate myself with as mere acquaintances. But as dark my mind may be towards humans, the heart that beats under a thick barrier of ice longs to please everyone. An impossible task I know. Being who I am, I have a propensity to complicate my life, do everything at once, pick the most difficult friends to maintain and make them happy at the same time. Bound to displease someone. While balancing my overachieving academic habits, placing my academic success above all else, very hard. The past few months I have been quite content. I think I was just too preoccupied to dwell on the failures I faced as I did in the previous year in which I would often punish myself. But now, I find myself only doing so when I completely lose it. Such as that in an incident last week. The idea of losing an adults trust (again) and the consequence reverberating back to my mother was unbearable. I was willing to die, but damn those rational thoughts in my head that force me to weigh out the pros and cons of my actions. If only I can make the right decisions more often. Lack of responsibility. I hate hearing it from my parents. Because I already know my flaws. I don't need outsiders telling me that and fueling my psyche that I am a failure. I'm trying to change, but external negative energies recoil my progress. Now I have learned of yet another mistake I have made and a disappointment I made to a close friend. Poor choices. I cannot learn from my mistakes if the mistakes I make are continuously new ones. Therefore I cannot afford to be such a careless fool. But time ...no. No excuses. This is life. One must deal with it accordingly. Status: adapting miserably. End. Shimokawa Mikuni | | |
| Please take none of the following personally for this is directed to none of you. I failed to get this out of my system earlier: I HATE YOU! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? YOU NEVER CARED BEFORE AND YOU SURE AS HELL DON'T CARE NOW YOU SELF-CENTERED [insert foul noun here]. YOU ARE MORE AFRAID OF LOSING YOUR CRUTCH, YOUR SUPPORT THAN IF ANYTHING DOES HAPPEN TO HER. THE THINGS THAT SHE DOES TO MAKE HER HAPPY ARE NOT WHAT MAKE HER SICK. YOU ARE WHAT MAKES HER SICK. THE SUFFERING YOU MADE HER GO THROUGH ALL HER LIFE IS WHY IS HOW SHE IS NOW. Ok...I'm done. Those words were bouncing around my head and making my chest heavy and I had to release them in some form or another... | | |
| Happy belated thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and any other holiday I have missed since my last post. I’m sorry for not posting at least once a month as I should. This is my place of ranting and fuming when I reach my utmost peak of rage against the world and life in general. I’m fully aware that there are people across the globe that have it far worse than I, but that is a whole other rant. I’d like to start off by saying, I. Hate. People. Strong words I know. Something everyone has to cope with, that I know too. So I’d appreciate if you do not leave me comments stating so. As deep as I make my posts, releasing my soul into words, I try to make it as masked as possible to leave at least a bit of privacy to myself and those involved. Henceforth that is why I do not post images of myself nor any names. Before I get too off track, the reason for this post. I’m sure everyone has people in their lives that they love, or feel that they are supposed to love because of that person’s part in his or her life. But at the same time, one can not relinquish their raging hatred for that person either. Whether it be because they continuously hurt someone one cares about or if that person inflicted injury upon oneself directly. I’ve recently come across of piece of insight to the male species’ mind. Or at least so much factuality that can be placed upon Dane Cook. Fiction is based upon some sort of reality, correct? Anyways, that when in an argument with a girl (in his case their girlfriend), they feel that their mission is to make them cry. This was something I learned a long time ago and this just verified that self-acquired knowledge. Nothing pisses them off more when they cannot attain their goal. The power to suppress one’s hatred and anger into the depths of one’s being and glossing over one’s eyes so as not to allow the emotion to show and stand one’s ground. Stare them dead on in the eyes and speak the truth. Not wavering and saying what they want to hear, yet not aggressively attacking their argument so as to fuel the fire. And in the end, having the ability to place on that smiling mask as if nothing ever happened, because in his mind, nothing did. There was no heated discussion, no words of accusation for the actions someone else partook in. At that point, you are his best friend who does everything you are told and will always be by his side. And that is the end of that story. There are still the millions of people that cut you off when you have the right of way on the road. The people that block the aisles of the stores with their carts with the mentality that they own the store. The people that try to walk through you as if you are invisible when you stand out in a sea of color wearing black and standing 5’10”. Then there are those that look at you with eyes that your mind cannot fathom and you feel your anger meter rise as the pressure in your skull pounds away. Those are all daily occurrences that can be dealt with. One does not live with those outsiders. Everyone is an outsider. But then there are the outsiders that share the roof you live under. Those that you cannot escape and must deal with. The only sanctuary you have is the conversations with your alteregos during the few seconds in between the yells and the demands they spew at you. They love you deep down somewhere and you know that. But being a human that has yet to suppress all emotion has a hard time focusing on only that. The darkness that had been building up over the years wants to explode, shout back, scream. But the rational side thinks a few seconds ahead knowing that doing so will not amount to anything but make the situation worse. Better to simmer in one’s own head, bottle it up, and act like all is well. If outsiders believe this lie, perhaps one day one will too…+deep breath+ Thank you | | |
| +Feeling+: Sickly, Annoyed, & Overwhelmed Such an easy word to throw around. Just being here I feel at peace...in the dark and crimson of my page. Allowing the words to flow from my mind in a sort of serene river. How is it I can type my thoughts, to the best of my power, but not speak them? Each attempt completely contorts the thought and mutates it into something completely wrong. But alas, I am here to rant on the complexities of being human once again. Nearly two months since my last one, I think I'm overdue. There are somethings I rather not burden those around me with but just to release some pressure and if stanger or two wills to read this, then it is not of my demand. Once again I have slipped up on chaining down my emotions. Damned humanistic things. I hate them. More than anything. In a sense, I'm trying to make myself as unhuman a human as possible. Suppressing thoughts and desires. Greed and pride have never been a problem. How is it that the very few I allow myself to care about and extend a trusting hand are the ones that seem to confuse me the most? I don't know who is me ( I don't care if that is correct grammar, it fits me well) or if its who they need me to be. I lost my identity around the time I realized the world was a horrid place and humans disgusting creatures. How the kind ones are seen as cold-hearted for petty things. How is it by rejecting my concern, I turn bitter? It is nothing that has not occured before. Whenever in this state, I regret ever making the call. I can barely hear for she speaks as if just breathing. How is it my patience can be cut so thin so quick? My usually infinite patience acquired after 17 years of testing. I see myself as too complex a person. I think things no one wants to think/care about nor understand. What I believe is the source of my problem is my mortal longing for my clone. A twin. Someone just like me who understands. As much as I understand those around me, I as confused as can be about myself and life. I have more important matters to deal with right now and these...what thoughts? Emotions? Human nature? all get in the way. Petty things. With another major change about to take part in my life, I have not the time to dwell on such insignificance. But being human no matter how I fight it, I do... +I must have inhaled too sharp, too quick for my mask has suddenly began to choke me...+ | | |
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